Listing fourteen quotes…

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name.

The Guardian

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only.

Churchtown Parish Magazine

Even in moments of tranquility, Murray Walker sounds like a man whose trousers are on fire.

Clive James

On society's vulnerability to nuclear attack:

In an urban society, everything connects. Each person's needs are fed by the skills of many others. Our lives are woven together in a fabric. But the connections that make society strong also make it vulnerable.

Introduction to the 1984 film, Threads

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Henry Ford

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said:

We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces.

Bangkok Post

I am at two with nature.

Woody Allen

An undelivered letter from history:

Dear King Agamemnon, Troy.

Please find enclosed the wooden horse you ordered, faithful in every detail apart from the scale. If we'd followed your measurements we'd have finished up with a hollow edifice capable of holding a small army.

Max Boyce on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Woody Allen

On the Trabant:

The controls fell easily to hand, and from there onto the floor.

Clive James on his travel show, Clive James' Postcard from Berlin.

Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the program that holds a mirror up to nature... and then proceeds to give it a rather embarrassing haircut.

Humphrey Lyttelton

Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - the show that is to comedy what Florence was to the Renaissance... and Zebedee was to the Industrial Revolution.

Humphrey Lyttelton

On Bristol:

These days, several famous names live here, including the television actor Tony Robinson, who so hilariously plays the scruffy, idiot sidekick in Time Team.

Humphrey Lyttelton on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

On Nottingham:

It's well documented in official records that the city's original name was 'Snottingham', or 'Home of Snots', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the letter 's', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'Home of Notts'. It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe.

Humphrey Lyttelton on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

What is This?

A jumble of brilliant quotes by various clever people.